As the oldest grandchild on both sides of my family, I accomplished a lot of firsts for the new generation. I was the first born, obviously, the first to go to school, the first the graduate from high school and then college. As I entered adulthood these firsts slowed until they now have trickled into nothingness. That has led to the subject of this essay, feeling left behind. Before I delve into the topic, I must disclose that I have no concrete answers, only thoughts and musings.
As a high schooler, I had plans, dreams about how my life would unfold. I have discussed this in previous essays so I will not repeat myself excessively. I bring up that point to place that propensity in context. These dreams frequently included all sorts of achievements I desired, things to cross off a bucket list before I became acquainted with the term. My dreams followed these activities to the furthest extent the activities could reach.
In reality though, I often shrunk back from actually pursuing that day dream, content to persist in the status quo for its familiarity. Perhaps I believed that reality could never approach the brilliance of that dream. Perhaps I assumed that these various amazing things would just materialize. I stuck with what I knew was achievable for myself while still dreaming of the impossible.
I write now just beyond ten years after graduating from college. Many of the life events I expected to happen have yet to occur. I expected that I would move out of my house when I married and purchased a home with my husband. In reality, I write this entry in my bedroom in the same house I have lived in since my junior year of high school. The room may have changed but the martial status of the occupant, single, has not changed. I expected that I would have at least two children, one of them a girl to whom I could pass on the middle name “Louise.” As I have not married, I do not have any children.
I think about the things I just described when looking at the lives of my cousins and other people I grew up with. I realized recently that out of the eight grandkids on my mother’s side, I am the only one that lives in the same house they lived in at high school graduation except the one who has not yet graduated. The next youngest cousin, age 20, got married this summer and recently closed on a house. Then I found out that another cousin and his wife are in the process of closing on a house that looks they hope to probably turn into an airbnb rental in a few years. By comparison, I look at my own goal of purchasing a house only when I can pay for the whole thing in cash and realize how far away it seems since I have yet to fully fund my emergency fund.
Then there’s the profound FOMO (fear of missing out) generator known as Facebook. Through Facebook I see long single friends become engaged and other former classmates announce pregnancies. The dangers of Facebook-generated envy could fill many pages of another essay.
At the end of the day I must face reality and the stark differences between reality and the dream. Occasionally, I give in to weakness and allow my thoughts to dwell on the differences and wonder why that long single friend can finally find someone to settle down with but I can’t. I feel miserable when I go down this path. That is no life, living for what could be and becoming bitter when things don’t go my way. That’s why, with God’s help, I have chosen a different path.
I am thankful that I do not have to stay in that bitter place. I struggle with how to express this while avoiding sounding trite and cliché. Now when these thoughts pass through my mind God reminds me that His plans are higher than mine, His thoughts far above anything my mind could imagine. I still feel left behind at times, wondering when my turn will come. Thanks to God, I do not need to stay there. He provides the faith and assurance necessary to continue stepping into the unknown.