Complex. Unique. Varied. The word “family” brings all sorts of connotations to each individual person. Some include immediate family members such as parents, siblings, and children. Some include everyone even tangentially related, inviting them to family reunions so large they print matching t-shirts in bulk. Others may acknowledge people to be biologically related but will not call them family. Although my personal definition of family has not changed much in recent years, a few members of my family have changed their connotation or at least revealed who they truly consider part of their family.

Individual family definition depends in large part on personal history and experience through the formative years. For me, family meant all of the Enjaians, my grandparents, my mom’s siblings, their spouses and children, my mom, my sister, and my dad. We spent every holiday, birthday, and vacation together, except my dad of course. The memories that stick around the longest form in relation to emotionally charged events, all kinds of emotions, both positive and negative. When I thought of celebrating birthdays, all these people were there because that’s what family does. Even though some of my cousins came along ten years after me, we spent so much time together. As things have started to change, I realized that I consider my mom’s siblings and their spouses closer family than my dad’s brother. I also feel similarly about my aunt’s husband since they just married last fall. The primary difference comes from the fact that certain aunts and uncles were present all throughout my formative years. My paternal uncle lived in New York state; I interacted with him in person so few times I could count them on one hand. My aunt’s husband Imet just two and a half years ago.

Another difference lies in the fact that my nuclear family consisted of just my mom and sister. As a single mom, she depended in large part on my wonderful grandparents for support. We rarely celebrated things as a nuclear unit before celebrating with the extended family. In many ways, my extended family became my nuclear family. My cousins, on the other hand, had nuclear family celebrations before we got together We may have shared a lot growing up but we did not share everything.

I first started seeing significant differences after my aunt passed away, (not the same aunt mentioned above), and my uncle, her husband, started dating someone, quickly jumping into marriage to this new woman. His sons, my cousins, spent so much time with us that I considered (and still do) them my brothers and they consider me like a sister. In short order after his remarriage, we found ourselves increasingly cut off by my uncle who at one point yelled at my mom, declaring that since his initial connection to our family had died, he no longer considered us family. My cousins, thankfully, had already formed a close enough bond that they still consider us family. My uncle’s reaction, however, caused a lot of us to take a step back and reevaluate his connection to our family throughout all the years. As the dust settled from the initial shake up, I chose to see his past actions as true. No good could come from second guessing the past. He may not consider me his niece but I still consider him my uncle.

Through some of the most calamitous times, one of my aunts began to reveal her true colors, what she likely believed all along. She also married into the Engaian family like the uncle I just discussed. While her children, my cousins, were young, they participated in all the family gatherings. Gradually, their nuclear family started to pull away, joining only for the most momentous occasions. Once my grandmother died two years ago, the withdrawal increased precipitously. They join us to celebrate things important to my grandfather but that’s about it.

I have seen this trend in my cousin as well, a cousin closest in age, a cousin with whom I share a number of qualities. We both teach, at least she did up until the beginning of June. We both speak Spanish, love coffee and traveling. We’re both the oldest in our families and still single. Yet, as I reached out, she pulled away, and crafted an identity that did not include her extended family. She recently made the choice to leave teaching and move to Maine with the stated intention of moving eventually to Spain, perhaps permanently. She made the move six days after the school year ended, right when I felt like I was drowning in grad work. I wanted to help her pack up and say goodbye but the overwhelming workload prevented me. I reached out electronically but she did not respond until after she had already gotten on the road. I will not comment on her motives. I do not know them and they are her own. After this happened, I had to evaluate my response to her actions, thus this entry.

In the end, I realize that I do not know the motives of anyone I profiled in this piece apart from myself. To become more empathetic, in this case, I engaged in a bit of comparative historiography. I placed two general situations side by side, elucidated similarities and dissimilarities before coming to a conclusion based on the analysis. Ultimately, I bring the entry to a close by referring back to my introduction and the concept of connotation of a word. If you do not take the time to understand both a person’s connotation of a word and the experiences that led them to adopt that connotation, you will end up running roughshod over people ruining current and future relationships. I would rather not do that.