For many years, I have chased a Boston Qualifying time in the marathon as well as faster and faster PRs (personal records) in other distances. As I have discussed before, these successes have come along rarely, especially after I returned to teaching. Instead, frustration sets in after each unsuccessful attempt. In many past posts, I have reflected on various aspects that I could change and others I believed may pose obstacles to improvement. During the Green Valley 10 Miler a little over a week ago, I had an epiphany of sorts, something that may help me with my running over the next few weeks, months or even years.

Certain things have not worked since I returned to teaching. Each successive marathon cycle from Hilton Head to Chicago to San Francisco has not yielded the desired results. Each time, I analyze the training and race outcome and pinpoint a particular reason or group of reasons that explain the outcome. With Hilton Head, I decided to run with Mom for the training cycle and race since this was the first marathon I trained for while teaching, ever. I do not remember the specific things that “derailed” my training for Chicago and San Francisco although both heat and enormous work pressure were among them.

Right now, I am technically training for my twelfth marathon in Salt Lake City. That fact hovered in the back of my brain as I fleetingly thought about Spring Break and planning for the trip. Last weekend, when I ran the Green Valley 10 Miler plus an additional hour for a total of 16 miles, marathon training took a more prominent place in my mind, inspiring this post. That realization caused me to look back on my running recently both as I wrote this post and as I wrote the race recap on that day.

This training cycle marks the first supposedly structured training cycle I have undertaken this school year, a year that I have mentioned before brings and sustains outsized pressure on my physically, mentally, and emotionally. It also marks the first marathon training cycle that I have embarked on without a goal aside form finishing and finishing well. As I struggle with morning motivation, this goal feels sufficient.

Additionally, while running Green Valley, I thought about the number of races I have registered for this year so far. Green Valley marked the fourth Saturday race in a row with two more half marathons consecutively this coming Saturday and the following. In the months that follow I have at least a spattering of two races per month through July. I love racing, pinning on the bib and feeling the satisfaction of accomplishment as I cross the finish line. I often struggle between that desire and the desire to continually improve my performance. Most coaches and other advice givers frown on frequent racing while training for a PR. Lifting the pressure of performance improvement provides opportunity for frequent bib pinning.

I also realized that I, sometime over the last month of racing while recovering from whatever crazy cold knocked me sideways, had also lifted the pressure of intense performance. In both Green Valley and the Clinton half, I planned strategic walk breaks which, in the past, I most likely would have perceived as weakness. At the end of both races, I finished with a time I did not expect – in a good way – and the satisfaction of a job well done, something that did not always come when my time did not match my expectations.

In the end, this reflection brings me to the following conclusion. At this point in my life, aggressively training for a PR or the long-desired Boston Qualification does not fit. I do not know how long this phase will last, certainly until the end of the current school year, but I do know that right now, simply getting out the door to run is an accomplishment in itself. I want to be a lifelong runner, someone who runs for the thrill and the gratification at Mom’s age and way beyond.

In an effort to provide some sort of remedy for my lack of morning motivation, I discovered a blog post with several recommendations, one of which was to change the “I have to” mindset for the “I get to” mindset, to exchange dread and obligation for anticipation and gratefulness. This particular post referenced writing but easily can apply to early morning running as well. Each day, I try to wake up thinking that I get to run, something that could vanish in an instance. This attitude of gratefulness, specifically to God for giving me both the desire and the ability, will reap untold satisfaction.

This season may last for a moment or for perpetuity. Either way, I thank God for granting me that ability to run and to reflect. I also thank Him for changing my heart’s desire as only He can.